Depression is More Than a Feeling

     Depression is more than a feeling. It's an unwated and unbareable way of life. To find little or no happiness, to never be satisfied is horrible. To loose faith and think so low of yourself is misrable. It's torture to wake up every morning and hate the person who looks back at you in the mirror. Nothing suprises me and nothing excites me for long.
    I always feel like my soul is trapped and caged in darkness and despair, not to mention complete and utter sadness.  It feels like my spirit is being tortured. My spirt being beaten and broken down. Lashed on its knees. I feel cold and I feel like I'm on fire at the same time. I dont understand it,.nor do I try to anymore. I don't even know how to talk about it anymore. Some days it's unspeakable.
   I hurt myself mentally and physically. If someone really did care about me, they would help me. My mother shouldn't tell me to make myself happy. I can't do it. She never believes me but I haven't lied except for when I tell her I'm okay. I resent her for this. I don't like her for it.
   Sometimes, I think I just hate life in general. That I hate myself in general. I know I don't care about myself and it doesn't seem wrong when I take a blade across my arm. I feel like I have to. I'm addicted. It's how I cope with things. This is how I feel, when every thing else has become numb inside.
   Most of all, I feel alone. If I don't try to take my own life again, I think that I may just run away. I don't know how I will live. I don't care And still, running away like that is immature. It's stupid. I feel it may make things worse. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I barely know me anymore. I feel Jaime has died. I don't associate myself with her and it seems as if she is another person. Not a bone in my body feels like it belomgs to her. Liz seems more like me but she isnt either. She seems a hell of a lot closer to me, however, who I am now is not who I want to be.

Hey Mister, you don't deserve a blog but here you go...

     It's been a bit too long since my last blog. I have no actual or important excuse for that. We currently have a sub in fourth period, IBCA, so that is probably the only reason that I am able to do this on a school computer. I doubt anyone would read this but who cares, whatever. That's not the point of writing so that is why I am continuing.
    I don't know if it is fear or any other emotion but when my ex just said "Hey, Liz" randomly out of no where to me, my heart literllay jumped. It's been randomly jumping like that all day, however, my whole body nearly jumped off the ground. I don't have feelings for him anymore. So it's not like I like him and I'm thinking "OMIGOD, OMIGOD, HE JUST TALKED TO ME!!" because for one I don't talk like that (unless I am mocking someone), and two, eww. I was going through a faze back then. Maybe, maybe, he just starlted me.
    Whenever he talks to me, I get this mixed feeling of irritation, regret, sorrow, excitement, and jittery-ish-ness.<--Not a word is it? Above all,I get curious. Why would he leave me like that, just drop me, throw me away like trash, ignore me, act like we were never together, not answer messages/calls/texts, and when we get back to school just be all nice and try to talk to me like he just met me and wants to be friends. It is crazy! It's like he just erased a part of time and attemptented to start over. Makes no sense. I'm over him, I'm just not over the fact why he did it because...well, I have no idea for the life of me why and what was the point of that. I go through a list of reasons ever freaking time he talks to me. It only bothers me when I sit down to gather my thoughts or when he smiles at me. You moved on, what's the point of tormenting me. You've had how many girlfriends after me? Besides, he just left, he never broke up with me! What a jerkhole. Total jack-off, douchebag. Whatever...You don't even deserve this blog...