Depression is More Than a Feeling

     Depression is more than a feeling. It's an unwated and unbareable way of life. To find little or no happiness, to never be satisfied is horrible. To loose faith and think so low of yourself is misrable. It's torture to wake up every morning and hate the person who looks back at you in the mirror. Nothing suprises me and nothing excites me for long.
    I always feel like my soul is trapped and caged in darkness and despair, not to mention complete and utter sadness.  It feels like my spirit is being tortured. My spirt being beaten and broken down. Lashed on its knees. I feel cold and I feel like I'm on fire at the same time. I dont understand it,.nor do I try to anymore. I don't even know how to talk about it anymore. Some days it's unspeakable.
   I hurt myself mentally and physically. If someone really did care about me, they would help me. My mother shouldn't tell me to make myself happy. I can't do it. She never believes me but I haven't lied except for when I tell her I'm okay. I resent her for this. I don't like her for it.
   Sometimes, I think I just hate life in general. That I hate myself in general. I know I don't care about myself and it doesn't seem wrong when I take a blade across my arm. I feel like I have to. I'm addicted. It's how I cope with things. This is how I feel, when every thing else has become numb inside.
   Most of all, I feel alone. If I don't try to take my own life again, I think that I may just run away. I don't know how I will live. I don't care And still, running away like that is immature. It's stupid. I feel it may make things worse. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I barely know me anymore. I feel Jaime has died. I don't associate myself with her and it seems as if she is another person. Not a bone in my body feels like it belomgs to her. Liz seems more like me but she isnt either. She seems a hell of a lot closer to me, however, who I am now is not who I want to be.

Hey Mister, you don't deserve a blog but here you go...

     It's been a bit too long since my last blog. I have no actual or important excuse for that. We currently have a sub in fourth period, IBCA, so that is probably the only reason that I am able to do this on a school computer. I doubt anyone would read this but who cares, whatever. That's not the point of writing so that is why I am continuing.
    I don't know if it is fear or any other emotion but when my ex just said "Hey, Liz" randomly out of no where to me, my heart literllay jumped. It's been randomly jumping like that all day, however, my whole body nearly jumped off the ground. I don't have feelings for him anymore. So it's not like I like him and I'm thinking "OMIGOD, OMIGOD, HE JUST TALKED TO ME!!" because for one I don't talk like that (unless I am mocking someone), and two, eww. I was going through a faze back then. Maybe, maybe, he just starlted me.
    Whenever he talks to me, I get this mixed feeling of irritation, regret, sorrow, excitement, and jittery-ish-ness.<--Not a word is it? Above all,I get curious. Why would he leave me like that, just drop me, throw me away like trash, ignore me, act like we were never together, not answer messages/calls/texts, and when we get back to school just be all nice and try to talk to me like he just met me and wants to be friends. It is crazy! It's like he just erased a part of time and attemptented to start over. Makes no sense. I'm over him, I'm just not over the fact why he did it because...well, I have no idea for the life of me why and what was the point of that. I go through a list of reasons ever freaking time he talks to me. It only bothers me when I sit down to gather my thoughts or when he smiles at me. You moved on, what's the point of tormenting me. You've had how many girlfriends after me? Besides, he just left, he never broke up with me! What a jerkhole. Total jack-off, douchebag. Whatever...You don't even deserve this blog...

Only HALF of What I Want to Tell Him.

     I do not believe that I have the ability to say what I feel inside to you but I think I am going to blog it. Okay, when I first met you I found you insane and odd. Not to mention, you had this charm unlike most people. Then you came and stood behind me in line at that stupid festival where we talked for only a short period of time. Then at the dance, we well, danced and multiple times. I don't know what the hell it is about you really. You're a complete and total ass hole. I mean you talk down to people, and you talk about yourself an awful lot. I can literally swear to God you act as if you are just so friggen great and that we all love you. That you can have your choice of anyone but you are also this person who is just highly respected. Little do you know, they make fun of you and talk about you behind your back ALL the time. Are you really that full of yourself? Honestly, most times, you seem so unsure of yourself, like you really feel so low somedays that you just have to say something to pick yourself up. I mean when it's just you and I talking, you're different. You're beautiful and it all feels so magical. After awhile, you just act so awkward with me. If your with me and other people are around. I care about you. That's my point. I honestly and truthfully care about you. Yes, I am also attracted to you. Not for all the things that you try to do and make yourself. Why? Because I believe that there is something pass you. Pass all the exterior and all this glamour  that you call your life. There's someone who is a beautiful person. Right now, you're an asshole. I mean a total douchebag. Franky, I'm kind of into you. And have been for awhile. I was pretty sure I had no shot. And I don't and probably never will. I don't know why I waited for you and your girlfriend to break up because you just toyed with me and got back together. So I've come to the conclusion that the beautiful person inside of you is going to stay chained up and I think it's best that you just stop talking to me. I don't want to be friends. It's too painful. Stop saying nice things. It's obvious that I am just a child in your eyes. So I don't want to play around like this. Delete my number, don't call, don't text, to message, don't come around me, and forget my address, name, etc. Why because we're just waisting eachothers time like this. It hurts me. A lot, and there is only so much I can take before I end up reckless and attempting to somehow hurt you back. I would say that I would tell you how I feel even if I thought I had no chance. However, that's a lie. You will never know. I want to say you missed out on something, but you didn't. Screw you and have a good life... as far away as possible from me.

Dog Shiz?

     As a writer, I should probably write more often. I mean, writing is kind of my passion and recently, I haven't any time at all just to get it all out and I have a lot to say. Not to mention, it's a bit. So let's start off with this and work my way up a bit.
    Well, after returning from Barnes and Nobles, all I want to do is pee and then go to sleep. However, I was awaken by a god-awful smell in my bedroom. What was it? All over my room, there was dog pee, dog poo, loose/wet dog poo, dog vomit, and some other unidentified type of only lord knows what. It was just sickening and I literally wanted to cry. I put my dog outside after I realized what she really had done so I ended up having the clean all of that crap up.
     I could not sleep in my room so my dad waits until I decide to go sleep on the couch, move all my stuff in there, and start to sleep to wake me up and tell me to leave because he wants to have that room in the morning. Seriously? Then my mom takes back her word, agrees with him and I have to go back to my funky room because he wants that tv in the morning and that room to change and my mom doesn't want him to be in the room with her to wake her up. I was actually more comfortable on the couch than on my bed. Eventually they just kept bugging me until I moved. Then fussed at  me on the way back to my room. It sucked. I was highly upset.

Cornell Notes Pt.1

Thinking about that Cornell Notes thing and how I do not want to get back to school and have to do that again. Every single time I take the notes like that I fail so I do not use it. Its like teachers do we sit up here and tell you how to do your job? Well you say learning is our job so don't tell us how to do ours. I'm am going to do only what is really required and helpful I do not have a second of time for failure. 

A "Real" Relationship (another rant)

I have always wondered what it would be like to be in a real relationship. I don't count my first boyfriend because it was my first boyfriend. It was a very childish relationship. Even though it lasted a year and 4 months, it was filled with unnecessary problems and to be honest I wasn't ready and he had problems. I felt as if I had caused him too much silly drama. I was talking to a guy very soon after him for a long time. He asked me to be his girlfriend a couple of times but he's used to sex. If he's used to sex I shouldn't stop him but I won't give him any. I don't want to change someones lifestyle, they'll resent me. Besides I was not actually physically attracted to him. Then I got with this guy who didn't want a girlfriend really but I didn't want a boyfriend. It was just aggravating because you know he was such a punk ass little bitch. Sorry, but this not a family blog and that's the only way to describe him. It wasn't after while I told him it was over then after that he says I belong to him I'm his woman and we love eachother. Yes, he was terribly insane..I got back with the guy before that it was kind of getting serious however we never really did anything at all. I was somehow alway busy. But I'm glad. I soon found out there was another girl. I asked him that's the problem. He lied to my face because I told him I didn't care if there was someone else or someone else he liked. He lied. Said there was no one and he loved me "127%" He lied an awful lot to me. After that came my second boyfriend. Wow, I've blogged a lot of this before. God  knows how used and abused I felt. Cheated on me every second possible. And even with my "friend". I felt ugly because all the girls were infamous for not being too attractive. I felt broken for awhile, but I learned. I stopped crying after the first two. The third guy turned a bit stalkerish and I didn't like him and just needed a friend. 
I guess I don't count them because I was such a child. Although they were older they were children too. It was all lies all distrust so much cheating and not to mention both boyfriends both neglected me. Sucked but with breakups, I get so inspired and write the best songs and poetry. I think the fact that I feel so much mental pain is because it hurts the worst to me. Sure many things put me at my lows but that just makes those highs even better. 
I know that nothing lasts forever. I can see the break up long before the together so I guess I'm ready. Sure an awful lot of guys have done me some god awful things but I am actually okay.  What can I do about a douchebag? Ignore them, move on, write some songs. 
I believe that all of this has help me to grow and mature even more so. I think a real relationship is something where you don't have to hide, you have fun. You trust each other. No leaches but no neglect. Communication and etc being able to hold someone and speak your mind. Im sick of being the weirdo or being told to not be goth when I'm not goth. It's just well its a bit complex yet simple and beautiful I guess... But then again,wouldn't know. 

Screw It!

      Sometimes I wonder what's the point? What's the point of anything anymore and why am I here. I just feel like a waist of space some days. Most days actually. I just feel like a prop. Just there to fill in an empty space with another empty space. I've just longed for a meaning, something that makes life worth living. What's the point of living a long, miserable life with no meaning. Honestly, I've thought of death for an immensely long time. I just don't understand it. Why am I not happy? Why am I not thriving through my teen years like the other kids? Why don't I appear to be having the time of my life like the rest of them? They say Its good to be different and for what? If i am not fading into the background, it's like they are trying to burn me in front of city hall! Whatever, I don't care anymore, screw them, screw this town, screw anyone who don't like me or what I stand for, screw everybody! I'm done...

My Dad's Mom/Pushing Me Away

The beginning of last month, my grandmother moved in with us. I don't know her very well and she was never there for me. My father expects for me to act with her as I do with my other grandparents but it took awhile to get there.

Recently, everything I do is wrong to them. My grandmother does not approve of my music, my conversations, or interests. I feel as if all I do is wrong in her eyes and it is rubbing off on my parents also.  I did not know that my mother had such a problem with me. I have not changed at all. Apparently, I'm being "bad" and "disrespectful". Apparently saying "Excuse me," and not "Excuse me grandma," is wrong. Apparently not talking to her about things she cares about is wrong. My grandmother can say anything she likes to me, do anything she wants and I still get the blame. I'm the wrong one. 

Everything she does is okay because "Her mind is bad," Okay, so is mind too. I have a hell of a lot of problems that no one seems to give a fuck about. I just do not see how it's fair that we all have to change our lives and drop everything to help her and no one gives a shit about me. The things that I do, I'm "faking" right? Everything that I have ever done, they act like it never happened.

My dad is pissed because I did not have anything to say about my grandmother. To be honest, I do not think much of her. She is a person who has to have things her way, must control things, stay stuck on one thing, and throw bible quotes at me. However, she is still my grandmother and I love her. Then, on the other-hand, love has never really meant that much to me in the first place. But I care for her, that's important and I still try to be "respectful" and include her in the conversations, I guess it'll never be good enough and I am just sick of attempting to please my family. They don't know that they are only pushing me away.

Friends Wasting Friend's Time

     Recently, my friend was trying to hook me up with random guys. Apparently, everyone thinks that I need a boyfriend these days. There was one guy she had specifically in mind, he's her boyfriend's friend, and she really had her mind set on us two being together. So, I viewed his Facebook profile, (yes, I judge people by there Facebook profile. Certain things say a lot about maturity and personality, I'll talk about this later).
    Anyways, I did not find him attractive, we seemed to have nothing in common. He's not ugly, that is not what I meant by not finding him attractive. It's just I look in his eyes and I see hate, I see so much trouble with him. Not the hot kind of troubled or emo guy. He just wasn't my type anyway.
    Now that it's exams week, its a shorter school day and everyone has the same lunch period, he was there and they were grabbing the guy and making him come by me and I'm being pushed towards him. In-fact, were both being pushed and people were yelling and it just sucked, I was embarrassed and it looked as if it pained him to see me.
     I believe that if he REALLY wanted to talk to me are "be" with me, then he would have BEEN said something to me. I mean he knew of my existence. He knew what they were planning. He's seen me multiple times. He really doesn't like me. I can tell! I am not done. Do not force someone to be with me, I wouldn't even force someone to be with me. Besides, it's wrong. It's not fair.
     Maybe I should get a bit further into why he is not "the guy" for me. Well, first of all, he doesn't walk through the hallways. He lurks. Lurking as in trying not to be seen, like he is dead set on finding something, following something, tracking it down. He has a hunter's spirit.
     He doesn't look depressed, and especially not happy. He looks mad all the time, filled with hate. I don't want to be with someone who looks like they hate me and everything. We have nothing in common it seems and my friend actually had to mention "He does not judge," Which was only said because I am just too different for him. I dont know. I was just, I felt nothing for him, I don't trust him, and he obviously does not like me so neither of us should waist our time.

Do It Again Sometime/Back in Action

     Well, it has been awhile. I have neglected my blog and for what? I honestly cannot think of a reason, or at least one that makes sense. All of my recent post have come from formspring from a guy who I do not know who does not know English.
     Something every writer should remember is that you write. No matter what, I have to write. I have to get it out. I can't just stop because I don't actually have followers. Hell, I just gained one. The other two are my sister (who doesn't use her blog and hasn't for years) and a girl who was my friend but we don't actually talk anymore. So I am counting this as my first follower. If I get more, and if I don't, well that's life. Who cares? As long as I write something and have the balls to post even if I know that someone may never ever read it, I posted. I said something and contributed to the world. Being a writer or a blogger should not be about the amount of followers. Do not judge me by the amount of my followers but by the content of my blog. (I guess, that sounded a lot deeper in my head).
     To be honest, that felt really great to just type something out... and I think that I am going to do it again sometime.

Sweet Dreams, Single Ladies ou Halo ??

Halo I guess?

ask away,

O que você precisa para ser feliz hoje? ;)

uh I am very sorry, I literally have no idea what language you are speaking. Therefore, I can't actually answer all of your questions...

ask away,

do u have АSК.FM account? i love it, its like formspring but smth new. i would follow you there. ;)

Okay, maybe I'll sign up then :-)

ask away,

that was dedric!! i have nothingg against turtles . he doesnt even like google -___-

How can you not like Google? He must like Bing because he's a guy and can take settings off and get full blown porn. I had my search settings off because it was already that way and looked for the picture of the book "princess from another planet" and I dont want to talk about what came up... How can he hate Jesse, he's such a great guy! He actually listens to me unlike you people..

ask away,

I Hate turtles .

Turtles hate you too dickbrain lol but they don't really give a care about what you think either . Who is this? It feels like it's either Dedric or Mykie.. Oh well :-)

ask away,

throwing skittles at your friends and shouting, "TASTE THE RAINBOW!!!!" <<< lol yu wuld so do thaat .

No, I would never waist Skittles on any of you. Now, I've thrown an M&M at Jordan but I can't remember what I said. But that was years ago and Idk why I remember it.

ask away,

lol , that wasnt nice . and meanie bo-beenie<memoriess

In a red bo-kennie? I think that's how you spelled it lol. Lov you mykie, you know I joke all day long.

ask away,

have yu ever noticed how blue fb iss ?

Yes, tis immensely blue..

ask away,

typing an extremely longg message and/or rambling

That's what us smart people do. I think you lost that touch :-P

ask away,

its as easy as taking candy frm a bby xPP

It's sick you sicky sicko. SICKY MC SICKERZ SICKO FACE.

ask away,