I am a girl, HERE ME ROAR!

Hello world. I am a girl. I have a period. I can have a baby and make another girl. I have hips. I have boobs. I have semi-curves. I have mood swings. I like boys. I like clothes. I wear make-up. I don’t wear make-up. I make up my mind. I am utterly confused. I am stubborn. I am easily influenced. I think that boy over there is hot. Now I think he’s a douche-bag. I love her hair. I hate her. I wish you would just go away. I hope you never leave me. I have mood swings. I am normal. I am a weirdo. I have hairy legs despite how many times I shave them. I have well I don’t know my hair color anymore. I have to shave my arm pits. I don’t feel like going to school today. Its Saturday and I want to go see my crush at school. I love him so much. I want him dead tomorrow. I laugh at everything. Nothing is ever funny. I cant stop smiling. I cant stop crying. I am going through puberty. Nothings changing. I look good today. Oh gosh, why am I so hideous! I like music. Can you please turn that noise off! Shut up! Why did you stop talking. I hate these shoes. don’t I look hot in these heals? I wanna look like Lady Gaga! No mom, why you did my hair like that, I wanna look like Nicki Minaj! I cant wait to get on the dance floor. I dance like a whore. I dance bad. I have a boyfriend. Now I don’t. my life is great. Turn the darn alarm clock off! I don’t ever want to leave my darkened bedroom. My favorite color is pink. Now its blue. Now its maroon. Now its well whatever I can think of! I have an attitude. I am a sweetheart. I have cramps and I have no life. I’m going see a movie with my friends and I feel great. I’m hungry give me a freaking burger already! Are you crazy! don’t feed me that dead cow! IM ON A GOT DANG DIET! Forget it, I’ll always be fat. I love you ice cream. I hate you scale. I’m so short. Uhg, I’m like the tallest kid in school. I feel insecure. Okay, is she crazy? Who is she kidding? My boobs are way bigger than her’s. I’m a bit of a witch. Did she just say that to me? Its p.e. they say I throw like a girl. I scream “Screw you!” and think “Duh!”

this better work

1.say your name ten times. 2. say your mom's name five times. 3. say your crush's name three times 4. paste this to four other groups. If you do this, your crush will kiss you on the nearest Friday. But if you read this and do not paste this, then you will have very bad luck. SEND THIS TO 4 PPL IN 143 MINUTES. WHEN YOUR DONE PRESS F6 AND YOUR CRUSH"S NAME WILL APPEAR IN BIG LETTERS ON THE SCREEN. THIS IS SO FREAKY

is there really a point?

if emos aren't suppose to be judgmental, then who gave ONE the right to tell someone that they cannot be emo. that they are only fake emo. that you are not emo because you smile but only rarely as apposed to not at all. who said emos cant smile once in their lives. we have teeth don’t we? who said all emos have to cut themselves? was there a meeting that I missed? who said there was emo rules? that there is a certant thing you have to do to be emo. is there like some kind of emo handbook we have to follow? an emo bible? come on! since when was there a master of the emos who gets to choose and decide who is emo and who is not? is there a special leader out there who holds the emo key and tells you what you can and cant do and what is considered "emo"? what’s up with this chick? I was not aware emo had one definition...if there is one set definition then please, please love inform all of us fellow "fake" or confused emos. the only thing that i could think of a fake emo is just a person who submits themselves to emo stereotypes, tells everyone that they cut themselves, and tell tells the whole world all of their business. but is that fake or just proud? either way it goes, if a prep frowns are they still a prep? if a jock didn’t make one team is he still a jock? is a nerd or a geek still a geek if they got a B? or is this just stereotypes of a label that some are proud to take and are we suppose to let the whole world use this as a way to bring us down or control us as basically a punishment of or for something we either take pride in or are content about? is there really a point? no seriously, is there? after awhile the end of the spectrums will meet because opposites have to have something in common at first for them to be opposite. up and down, opposites, but both directions, left and right etc. is there really a point to use a stereotype? where does it get any of us? is there a possible way to be happy while being something or nothing at all? i think there is if we stopped giving a care about what the whole world has to say and realize that we cannot please everyone and that the only person it seems worth while pleasing is not your mom or dad anymore but God and yourself. at the end of the day, its you lying in your bed, your sleep that you will loose from worrying, not everyone else’s...


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Another list of crap because i am immensely bored...

          I really want to have a new but better style. Uhm, what exactly? I don’t really know. I have a list so Im just going to you know, do what I do best. List crap.

• Black eye shadow of course
• I know I want my eye lights
• I like my bags, I guess I’ll keep those
• I love my shorts and odd tights…Not to self, get more shorts, you only have one good pair.
• I need to start wearing earings. I feel better with um.
• I am sticking to only wearing black nail polish. I need some more of it though.
• Im making my own booksack
• I need to learn how to use the sewing machine better.
• I need a big bag. Not that twilight one I have but I need something to carry all my junk in.

As you can tell I am so bored. Im not changing for anyone. You know I make lists of useless crap when I am bored.

There is Good in Everyone/Luling Parade (meant to be posted hours ago)

I just got back from that wack Luling Parade. They act as if it is such a big deal and its so short and stupid. I was really hoping not to see him but at the same time wishing that I would. I did, he caught me off guard. He was just pacing back and forward with anger. Then he looked up and he saw me and he stopped for a second and then I looked down after that because if I looked one more second I’d bust out giggling or smiling so much and be tempted to talk to him. I just continuously walked with my cousin, mother, and aunt after that. I soon met with one of my bffls, Miaja. We hung out for a minute in front of her grandmother’s, I think, house. It was pretty acceptable. I had a bit of fun actually. I got a teddy bear. A red one and a yellow rose. I love teddy bears and roses. I don’t know why I just do. Especially teddy bears. The bigger the bear the better or you know, it doesn’t matter. I guess its just the simplicity of a bear and bears last a long time and I guess that’s symbolic to me or something. And the rose, I guess since its all classic, old time, gone with the wind whatever and I just like it.
No comment on what happened after that but walking back I expected to see him and then I turn and he’s walking. He that cocky little smirk and it was just so fake. I had a mind to just call him out for such fake arrogance and he had the nerve to sneak peaks at me. I just kept walking. I was alone walking after that. How did I get myself into a situation like that.
Why do I end up liking these random guys. Its like no guy likes me. They just want to sit there and intimidate me or just screw with my head. Its not right its not fair. I’ve been screwed over so many times just from 2009-2010. Lets see, there was Tony, then yeah you know, then textbook, then him, and even one of my own guy friends. that’s like what? Five? Yeah, I have to get my head off this absolutely retarded theory that there is good in everyone. it’s a lie.
I think that these guys are so nice then they change. I think that everyone despite the things that they do, I think that deep down inside they are good at heart. Before I even realize how attractive this guy was I just for some odd reason thought he was so good at heart. I thought he was nice and sweet and I thought he was smart and funny and kind of awkward and I thought that was cute. I’m such an idiot.
So how did I end up in this car on my laptop stuffing my face with cotton candy and with borderline tears about to scream? I don’t know but I know that I’ve been here many times before. Not in this car but border line tears, stuffing my face, and about to scream. If you have a girlfriend, stop messaging me. If you don’t like me stop staring at me in class and talking to me. Stop fussing at me for no reason or smiling at me randomly. I know you don’t like me so just stop fighting over that stupid chair in the cafeteria that gives a coincidental clear view shot of me. Just if you don’t like me, stop having anything to do with me, I think I deserve better that to be tormented. I think that if there’s no hope, then don’t give me any hints that there could ever be even in a parallel universe. And everybody stop saying “oh, you guys are going to end up together in high school.” or something else stupid. And to you especially, stop butting in my conversations and answering for me and trying to find out what I am talking about. Let me live without this torture. I know I’m alone and that I don’t have anybody. I know that these guys here only want to play me. I know I am stupid believe the lie that there is good in everybody. I know this, I know a lot of things, I know when I am being played or lied to, I know this. So maybe I should be locked up, I’m crazy. I have hope in people and trust the nearest stranger. I secretly believe that there is hope that there is good in people. That everyone is generally good. I have nothing to base this on, nor do I have the truth for or of this nor do I have any hints, clues, proof or material that would lead you to believe this but I believe it. don’t know why I do. don’t know why I think everyone is capable of greatness. Its worthless to think so but I do. Cant help it cant stop. I just. I just do. So I am going to slowly eat my cotton candy and dance to whatever song I hear even if I look a mess. Hell, I am a mess. “I am an emotional creature“.

Stuff That I Like...

“…These Are A Few of My Favorite Things…”

• 
  
• Black is my favorite color.
• Lemonade 
• Ice cold water
• The rain
• A foggy, rainy, stormy day, I find it beautiful
• Blues
• Rock
• Guitar
• Piano
• Snow
• Fresh air
• A good song to dance to
• Drums
• Celery
• Those peppermints that melt/disolve on your tounge
• Green tea
• Teddy bears
• Pale peach, yellow, white, and pale pink roses are my favorite types of roses
• Ponds
• Lakesides
• Sand in my feet in the summer
• Music, I love music
• My puppy selena.
• My turtle, jesse
• Poetry
• Horror movies
• Candy apples
• Cotton candy
• Apples with Duncan Hines caramel icing
• Papa Johns is my favorite pizza place
• My favorite type of chicken is hot wings or buffalo wings
• Swings
• Watermelon
• Strawberries
• Strawberry smoothies
• Soy ice cream- tofutti brand 
• Weird but unique jewelry
• Vintage clothing
• Vintage or antique stuff
• Other cultures and their activities
• Dark, mysterious, odd, weird, etc books.
• Reading interesting stories
• Cheerleading
• Going to football games
• Going to basketball games
• Going to baseball games
• Degrassi
• Gossip girl
• 90210
• Secrete Life of the American Teenager 
• The Vampire diaries
• The Vampire Diaries Books
• Interview with the Vampire movie
• Being different
• Learning about abnormal behaviors
• Learning about the paranormal
• Math
• Good pieces of literature
• Learning something new - non school related
• Writing poetry
• Writing or making up stuff for people to quote
• Writing blogs
• Writing stories

Who Am I Really?

I have no idea, for once in my life, what I want to say right now. I have no idea what my problem is. Actually, I don’t know if I even have a problem. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if I’m complaining or wishing half the time. I’m not too sure about anything these days. Or am I? its really sad. And this really sucks. I want to blog my whole heart out but I’m not even sure if I have a heart. Do I care? I must. I have to because I’m acknowledging it. Right? Talk about no subject.
I tend to ramble when I finally get someone to talk to me. I’m do see now that I am a bit of a freakazoid. Everything I say either depresses people or they just don’t get me. No one gets me. There is no one I can talk to because no one understands me. Do I even understand me? Do I like anybody? Or anything for that matter.
Now I wouldn’t say that I hate people. Just some I really dislike. And when I am in a fight with that person who I don’t like I don’t even think or stutter when I tell them so. The guys back then who said that they like me is because I am not afraid to speak my mind. I never knew I did so. I am quiet majority of the time. Its just when something needs to be said I say it right then and there at the right moment. I was that way. I don’t know what happened.
I feel like over time I lost sight of who is jaime. I don’t even know her anymore. I sometimes think she is dead. Long gone from this earth. I don’t know who I am or what I want to be. I guess maybe I am going on some type of journey to understand and find myself and etc… maybe I should just list all the things that I like and don’t like and keep sight of that so I can know myself. Its so sad. I don’t even know myself. But seriously, who am I? what am I? uhg, I hate reality…

Don't Know Why - An "I Guess/Maybe" Reflection

   I havent a clue why I like him. I mean what exactly attracts a person to someone else? Is there something specific or at least general as in basically the same thing for everyone? Does there have to be a reason to like someone?

I guess he was just cute. So I said that’s not a good reason and stopped for awhile. But I had forgotten how nice he was. Oh, and how smart he was. And he’s the first guy that I’ve ever liked who was my age. But he’s a bit mature. Sometimes. He’s responsible so he must be mature. He always has everything he needs for class. Except for one book but that’s only because its still somewhere else. Its still there because I told him to get it and he’s such an idiot. 

Then, I find out he has a girlfriend. I would’ve let myself get that far deep into liking someone if I would’ve known that. No one ever told me. I was a complete fool to ever think that there was some other guy out there that close in the world would ever like me. I’m not to sure if my last and only boyfriend I’ve ever had was too fond of me. 

My ex, he accused me of cheating every five seconds and never believed me. He was ready to believe the worst in me at any moment. I was never even half perfect in his eyes. But I miss that lie. I miss that distraction. I miss having a guy to distract me from my problems. When someone told me I was ugly “Well, my boyfriend thinks I am beautiful”. I never thought of myself as beautiful. I sometimes think I am pretty. Not all the times but more than I used to. I miss having attention. Or do I? I don’t know what my problem is. When someone calls me a weirdo or a cutter or a mental case and etc, I guess I just want someone there to take my side who is a person who I am not related to. I want someone there who wouldn’t believe a rumor like these random idiots at my school. I guess my problems at home and my problems at school, I just want a distraction.

I’d be crazy to say I miss a relationship where I basically mentally abused. Of course, he would believe rumors, just things saying whore or cheater never cutter though. He’d say that wasn’t true. However, he never even knew I was emo. He was convinced I was a prep? I never smile, he knows I wear all black and I do nothing prep like except cheerleading. But good-riddance. I guess I’m just comparing what I had to what I think I want.

Now I’m just really starting to like guys who I think will be different from my ex but I find that a lot the guys are the same. I am going back to my old theory that all or a lot of people all the same. A thesis I had came up with around the age of seven or eight.

I find that with me, the feel like they have to say I love you without meaning it. Or to extremely passive and crazy. Such as eleven text asking what are you doing, who are you talking to, why aren’t you answering? When you don’t answer them within a minute of them texting you. Now, well the one months after my ex, well I wasn’t really in a relationship. He just assumed it and got crazy. He started thinking that I said I loved him, I said he was my boo or my baby or my man and that I said I was his woman and that we belong together and to each other. I would never talk this way nor have I even said or thought this. Therefore, he is crazy. He was also convince I was a vampire. He was crazy passive but didn’t want anyone to know about me until the fourth time I broke it off with him. YES, ladies and gentleman, I broke it off three times because he was crazy. We were close and he said that we were just “kicking it” at first but then I thought that there was someone else. There was. But then he got crazier on me. We finally ended. You can see the exact words of how that had ended in one of my older post “last memory of a douche bag” I hope you can still find it.

This other guy. He lied from beginning to end. I had only found out about one girl. Come to find out he slept with various chicks. He couldn’t even tell me how old he really was. I came to the conclusion of sixteen. I would’ve never gotten involved with him I had known such. But I knew who he was. It was basically talking on the internet. Its been almost a year of us talking. We are completely done now. He seemed so sweet and nice and now I see it was all a lie. I was not physically attracted to him but I fell for his words. The only thing I liked was a lie so there was no reason to keep him. I had said yes, id be his girlfriend for when I got to high school. This was only because he said he had just turned 15 and by then I would be 14. I remember it being just to entertain him so he wouldn’t aggravate me. I was such an idiot to believe he had liked me for me. I know these guys don’t like me for my soul, the only thing I take pride in. I am more than content with my principals in which I stand by, the respect for myself, and my beliefs. But I have a feeling that meant nothing to them. Is it possible the last two had only liked me for my body? I didn’t think it was nice. I don’t really like it too much. Or do they just smell my low self-esteem?

I am proud to say I never slept with any of these guys. I am actually a virgin which is not a common thing these days as it seems. I would never allow myself to do so. I am abstinent. This was a choice I had made by myself long ago. I have actually never been kissed. Is this sad? Should I be? I guess I am just indifferent.

The exact topic of this little G-rated article? What is this? Whatever it is I have no one exact clue what this could be about. I guess it is an immensely broad topic.

I thought, well I had planned to try to understand why I like this guy. This guy I had liked in the fourth grade and on and off since then. What is my reason for this? Is it that I like guys that I know I cant get? Guys aren’t really talking to me like that any longer. Maybe I am not the novelty I once was. Or was I ever? Maybe I have become predictable to be unpredictable. Maybe I am mature, boring, and just have been placed into the shadows.

But the guys who had claimed to find me cute rapidly were older. I had been a sixth grader and these were eight-graders. I had been in sixth or seventh and there were high-schoolers. Maybe these were just guys who were under the misconception that the quote “young and dumb” was true for us all. Am I a target? Am I just a little lamb in a world of big-bad-horny wolves? 

So do I sound as if I feel I don’t need to be single? I wanted to be and I had thought it was my choice but maybe it is the fact that I feel that this is now forced upon me and I now have no choice. I like an option. I sound so stupid right now. I don’t even really know what I am saying. I am just rambling and I am just confused about everything these days. Maybe I can just write again when I have a clear mind and a straight head on my shoulders and I sound like a two year old with my middle school problems….