I guess he was just cute. So I said that’s not a good reason and stopped for awhile. But I had forgotten how nice he was. Oh, and how smart he was. And he’s the first guy that I’ve ever liked who was my age. But he’s a bit mature. Sometimes. He’s responsible so he must be mature. He always has everything he needs for class. Except for one book but that’s only because its still somewhere else. Its still there because I told him to get it and he’s such an idiot.
Then, I find out he has a girlfriend. I would’ve let myself get that far deep into liking someone if I would’ve known that. No one ever told me. I was a complete fool to ever think that there was some other guy out there that close in the world would ever like me. I’m not to sure if my last and only boyfriend I’ve ever had was too fond of me.
My ex, he accused me of cheating every five seconds and never believed me. He was ready to believe the worst in me at any moment. I was never even half perfect in his eyes. But I miss that lie. I miss that distraction. I miss having a guy to distract me from my problems. When someone told me I was ugly “Well, my boyfriend thinks I am beautiful”. I never thought of myself as beautiful. I sometimes think I am pretty. Not all the times but more than I used to. I miss having attention. Or do I? I don’t know what my problem is. When someone calls me a weirdo or a cutter or a mental case and etc, I guess I just want someone there to take my side who is a person who I am not related to. I want someone there who wouldn’t believe a rumor like these random idiots at my school. I guess my problems at home and my problems at school, I just want a distraction.
I’d be crazy to say I miss a relationship where I basically mentally abused. Of course, he would believe rumors, just things saying whore or cheater never cutter though. He’d say that wasn’t true. However, he never even knew I was emo. He was convinced I was a prep? I never smile, he knows I wear all black and I do nothing prep like except cheerleading. But good-riddance. I guess I’m just comparing what I had to what I think I want.
Now I’m just really starting to like guys who I think will be different from my ex but I find that a lot the guys are the same. I am going back to my old theory that all or a lot of people all the same. A thesis I had came up with around the age of seven or eight.
I find that with me, the feel like they have to say I love you without meaning it. Or to extremely passive and crazy. Such as eleven text asking what are you doing, who are you talking to, why aren’t you answering? When you don’t answer them within a minute of them texting you. Now, well the one months after my ex, well I wasn’t really in a relationship. He just assumed it and got crazy. He started thinking that I said I loved him, I said he was my boo or my baby or my man and that I said I was his woman and that we belong together and to each other. I would never talk this way nor have I even said or thought this. Therefore, he is crazy. He was also convince I was a vampire. He was crazy passive but didn’t want anyone to know about me until the fourth time I broke it off with him. YES, ladies and gentleman, I broke it off three times because he was crazy. We were close and he said that we were just “kicking it” at first but then I thought that there was someone else. There was. But then he got crazier on me. We finally ended. You can see the exact words of how that had ended in one of my older post “last memory of a douche bag” I hope you can still find it.
This other guy. He lied from beginning to end. I had only found out about one girl. Come to find out he slept with various chicks. He couldn’t even tell me how old he really was. I came to the conclusion of sixteen. I would’ve never gotten involved with him I had known such. But I knew who he was. It was basically talking on the internet. Its been almost a year of us talking. We are completely done now. He seemed so sweet and nice and now I see it was all a lie. I was not physically attracted to him but I fell for his words. The only thing I liked was a lie so there was no reason to keep him. I had said yes, id be his girlfriend for when I got to high school. This was only because he said he had just turned 15 and by then I would be 14. I remember it being just to entertain him so he wouldn’t aggravate me. I was such an idiot to believe he had liked me for me. I know these guys don’t like me for my soul, the only thing I take pride in. I am more than content with my principals in which I stand by, the respect for myself, and my beliefs. But I have a feeling that meant nothing to them. Is it possible the last two had only liked me for my body? I didn’t think it was nice. I don’t really like it too much. Or do they just smell my low self-esteem?
I am proud to say I never slept with any of these guys. I am actually a virgin which is not a common thing these days as it seems. I would never allow myself to do so. I am abstinent. This was a choice I had made by myself long ago. I have actually never been kissed. Is this sad? Should I be? I guess I am just indifferent.
The exact topic of this little G-rated article? What is this? Whatever it is I have no one exact clue what this could be about. I guess it is an immensely broad topic.
I thought, well I had planned to try to understand why I like this guy. This guy I had liked in the fourth grade and on and off since then. What is my reason for this? Is it that I like guys that I know I cant get? Guys aren’t really talking to me like that any longer. Maybe I am not the novelty I once was. Or was I ever? Maybe I have become predictable to be unpredictable. Maybe I am mature, boring, and just have been placed into the shadows.
But the guys who had claimed to find me cute rapidly were older. I had been a sixth grader and these were eight-graders. I had been in sixth or seventh and there were high-schoolers. Maybe these were just guys who were under the misconception that the quote “young and dumb” was true for us all. Am I a target? Am I just a little lamb in a world of big-bad-horny wolves?
So do I sound as if I feel I don’t need to be single? I wanted to be and I had thought it was my choice but maybe it is the fact that I feel that this is now forced upon me and I now have no choice. I like an option. I sound so stupid right now. I don’t even really know what I am saying. I am just rambling and I am just confused about everything these days. Maybe I can just write again when I have a clear mind and a straight head on my shoulders and I sound like a two year old with my middle school problems….
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