Death, Lies, etc. No one ever reads this anyway. No one listens for a cry of help they just laugh and mock it...

      I don’t want to live like this anymore. I dont even know how to make it better.I don’t want to be depressed and unhappy and just so sick. I don’t want to lie about who I am on the inside. I don’t want to fake like I didn’t cry myself to sleep the other night and hurry to close my eyes and wipe them before my mother walks in the door because I don’t feel like hearing her tell me everything is all in my mind and that there is nothing wrong with me. I know I’m not normal. I know that I need help and denying me of help is making me get worst everyday. If acting like problems don’t exist and talking to me like I am a liar and making stuff up, if that’s how its going to be, then that will lead it to the end. I cant take this anymore. All of this all of everything. Feeling so lonely feeling so misunderstood. You never know how a person feels until you have felt it and you will never feel this. You can never feel this. You have no idea how I feel so stop saying you know because it doesn’t help. Shut up and listen for five seconds! No one ever shuts up and listens. And I’m tired of everyone. They only come to locked doors. I didn’t lock my door, you did. You caused me to shut all of you out the way you shut me out. The way you wouldn’t listen to me. All of them. All of those who leave and didn’t care and then when you see a break down you want to come back. You only want entertainment from me. You only want a show. You all ignored me and pushed me away and you come back to find out what is wrong and tell me it’ll be okay. That life will go on. That life is beautiful. Life is over for me. I’m death. Why can you see that. Why can you understand that. You all left me and I feel into a dark and lonely trance where the only ones who talk to me is whatever the heck is in my mind. If you love people you wont leave them behind. You don’t trick them and use them and only come back when you see that there is entertainment. So why am I posting this to a blog? Because no one ever reads it. And when I ask for someone to read it, they never read it. So no one will ever read this and I can pour whatever piece of my heart left into some paragraphs and it’ll be ignored just as the person who wrote it. I’m depressed. They all know I am. I’m so tired of faking it. All I want to do is sit in a dark corner and cry or lay in a ball on my bed and cry and occasionally scream. I have no one there for me. I can scream for help and no one will come. No one will ever come. There is no one out there who actually cares about the way I’m feeling and if some how there was, I don’t think that they could even attempt to even try to understand. I just scare them off anyway. Why do I attempt to lower the amount of ridicule? Is that human nature? Am I even human? They treat me as if I’m an experiment gone wrong. To walk into class, at school where I am suppose to be safe and to hear them whisper about something they have no proof of knowing I did. To always be asked for scissors or a sharp object because “I do stuff like that” and then sometimes they don’t even try to hint it they just scream at me that I am a cutter or that I am emo or goth or that I’m suicidal or that I’m a potential murder. Those things are mean. I never told anyone anything even close to that except for I tell them that I am not gothic and I tell them just call me emo then if its that serious. Just because I’m not another prep on the cheerleading team a lot of them made a point to tell me that I didn’t belong there and also make me feel that way. I hate middle school. I felt so alone. I go home and I feel alone. I go on the computer and I feel alone. Only place when I am not alone is the rare occasion in my dreams. That’s why I sleep late. And I dislike them even more from waking me up from my one piece of anything close to happiness. I don’t even want to wake up in the morning anymore. I have no problem with just sitting there and crying with my door locked so no one comes in there to catch me. I have no problem running in the bathroom and crying on the floor. I’ve been doing it for years as my depression increases. I’ve only been caught a few times. I’m just super miserable okay. I’m tired of hiding it. I’m not bitter and I’m not mean because I don’t want to laugh at your cruel jokes. You think I’m happy, turn around in class and look at my tears. I hate school but I hate home more. And I cant wait for summer to be over so I cant get the hell out of this hell hole! I’m sick. I have to stop myself from puking every five seconds. I hate eating. I don’t want to eat anymore. I hate food. I hate everything. All I want is a distraction. If I have to watch tv all day and be on facebook to make myself forget my life for awhile and to distract myself from my problems, let me do it so I don’t have to keep snapping but its not like you can stop me from snapping. I lost control of myself so long ago. I lost myself so long ago. I don’t know who I am anymore. Who ever I was long ago, that happy, perky, child she’s dead. I put her out of her lying misery. I don’t know where she went but she’s dead and she is never coming back. I don’t know if that was Jaime or someone else but she is dead and gone. Call me crazy call me insane but it’s the truth that no one ever wants to hear…