I have always wondered what it would be like to be in a real relationship. I don't count my first boyfriend because it was my first boyfriend. It was a very childish relationship. Even though it lasted a year and 4 months, it was filled with unnecessary problems and to be honest I wasn't ready and he had problems. I felt as if I had caused him too much silly drama. I was talking to a guy very soon after him for a long time. He asked me to be his girlfriend a couple of times but he's used to sex. If he's used to sex I shouldn't stop him but I won't give him any. I don't want to change someones lifestyle, they'll resent me. Besides I was not actually physically attracted to him. Then I got with this guy who didn't want a girlfriend really but I didn't want a boyfriend. It was just aggravating because you know he was such a punk ass little bitch. Sorry, but this not a family blog and that's the only way to describe him. It wasn't after while I told him it was over then after that he says I belong to him I'm his woman and we love eachother. Yes, he was terribly insane..I got back with the guy before that it was kind of getting serious however we never really did anything at all. I was somehow alway busy. But I'm glad. I soon found out there was another girl. I asked him that's the problem. He lied to my face because I told him I didn't care if there was someone else or someone else he liked. He lied. Said there was no one and he loved me "127%" He lied an awful lot to me. After that came my second boyfriend. Wow, I've blogged a lot of this before. God knows how used and abused I felt. Cheated on me every second possible. And even with my "friend". I felt ugly because all the girls were infamous for not being too attractive. I felt broken for awhile, but I learned. I stopped crying after the first two. The third guy turned a bit stalkerish and I didn't like him and just needed a friend.
I guess I don't count them because I was such a child. Although they were older they were children too. It was all lies all distrust so much cheating and not to mention both boyfriends both neglected me. Sucked but with breakups, I get so inspired and write the best songs and poetry. I think the fact that I feel so much mental pain is because it hurts the worst to me. Sure many things put me at my lows but that just makes those highs even better.
I know that nothing lasts forever. I can see the break up long before the together so I guess I'm ready. Sure an awful lot of guys have done me some god awful things but I am actually okay. What can I do about a douchebag? Ignore them, move on, write some songs.
I believe that all of this has help me to grow and mature even more so. I think a real relationship is something where you don't have to hide, you have fun. You trust each other. No leaches but no neglect. Communication and etc being able to hold someone and speak your mind. Im sick of being the weirdo or being told to not be goth when I'm not goth. It's just well its a bit complex yet simple and beautiful I guess... But then again,wouldn't know.
