Depression is More Than a Feeling

     Depression is more than a feeling. It's an unwated and unbareable way of life. To find little or no happiness, to never be satisfied is horrible. To loose faith and think so low of yourself is misrable. It's torture to wake up every morning and hate the person who looks back at you in the mirror. Nothing suprises me and nothing excites me for long.
    I always feel like my soul is trapped and caged in darkness and despair, not to mention complete and utter sadness.  It feels like my spirit is being tortured. My spirt being beaten and broken down. Lashed on its knees. I feel cold and I feel like I'm on fire at the same time. I dont understand it,.nor do I try to anymore. I don't even know how to talk about it anymore. Some days it's unspeakable.
   I hurt myself mentally and physically. If someone really did care about me, they would help me. My mother shouldn't tell me to make myself happy. I can't do it. She never believes me but I haven't lied except for when I tell her I'm okay. I resent her for this. I don't like her for it.
   Sometimes, I think I just hate life in general. That I hate myself in general. I know I don't care about myself and it doesn't seem wrong when I take a blade across my arm. I feel like I have to. I'm addicted. It's how I cope with things. This is how I feel, when every thing else has become numb inside.
   Most of all, I feel alone. If I don't try to take my own life again, I think that I may just run away. I don't know how I will live. I don't care And still, running away like that is immature. It's stupid. I feel it may make things worse. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I barely know me anymore. I feel Jaime has died. I don't associate myself with her and it seems as if she is another person. Not a bone in my body feels like it belomgs to her. Liz seems more like me but she isnt either. She seems a hell of a lot closer to me, however, who I am now is not who I want to be.

Hey Mister, you don't deserve a blog but here you go...

     It's been a bit too long since my last blog. I have no actual or important excuse for that. We currently have a sub in fourth period, IBCA, so that is probably the only reason that I am able to do this on a school computer. I doubt anyone would read this but who cares, whatever. That's not the point of writing so that is why I am continuing.
    I don't know if it is fear or any other emotion but when my ex just said "Hey, Liz" randomly out of no where to me, my heart literllay jumped. It's been randomly jumping like that all day, however, my whole body nearly jumped off the ground. I don't have feelings for him anymore. So it's not like I like him and I'm thinking "OMIGOD, OMIGOD, HE JUST TALKED TO ME!!" because for one I don't talk like that (unless I am mocking someone), and two, eww. I was going through a faze back then. Maybe, maybe, he just starlted me.
    Whenever he talks to me, I get this mixed feeling of irritation, regret, sorrow, excitement, and jittery-ish-ness.<--Not a word is it? Above all,I get curious. Why would he leave me like that, just drop me, throw me away like trash, ignore me, act like we were never together, not answer messages/calls/texts, and when we get back to school just be all nice and try to talk to me like he just met me and wants to be friends. It is crazy! It's like he just erased a part of time and attemptented to start over. Makes no sense. I'm over him, I'm just not over the fact why he did it because...well, I have no idea for the life of me why and what was the point of that. I go through a list of reasons ever freaking time he talks to me. It only bothers me when I sit down to gather my thoughts or when he smiles at me. You moved on, what's the point of tormenting me. You've had how many girlfriends after me? Besides, he just left, he never broke up with me! What a jerkhole. Total jack-off, douchebag. Whatever...You don't even deserve this blog...

Only HALF of What I Want to Tell Him.

     I do not believe that I have the ability to say what I feel inside to you but I think I am going to blog it. Okay, when I first met you I found you insane and odd. Not to mention, you had this charm unlike most people. Then you came and stood behind me in line at that stupid festival where we talked for only a short period of time. Then at the dance, we well, danced and multiple times. I don't know what the hell it is about you really. You're a complete and total ass hole. I mean you talk down to people, and you talk about yourself an awful lot. I can literally swear to God you act as if you are just so friggen great and that we all love you. That you can have your choice of anyone but you are also this person who is just highly respected. Little do you know, they make fun of you and talk about you behind your back ALL the time. Are you really that full of yourself? Honestly, most times, you seem so unsure of yourself, like you really feel so low somedays that you just have to say something to pick yourself up. I mean when it's just you and I talking, you're different. You're beautiful and it all feels so magical. After awhile, you just act so awkward with me. If your with me and other people are around. I care about you. That's my point. I honestly and truthfully care about you. Yes, I am also attracted to you. Not for all the things that you try to do and make yourself. Why? Because I believe that there is something pass you. Pass all the exterior and all this glamour  that you call your life. There's someone who is a beautiful person. Right now, you're an asshole. I mean a total douchebag. Franky, I'm kind of into you. And have been for awhile. I was pretty sure I had no shot. And I don't and probably never will. I don't know why I waited for you and your girlfriend to break up because you just toyed with me and got back together. So I've come to the conclusion that the beautiful person inside of you is going to stay chained up and I think it's best that you just stop talking to me. I don't want to be friends. It's too painful. Stop saying nice things. It's obvious that I am just a child in your eyes. So I don't want to play around like this. Delete my number, don't call, don't text, to message, don't come around me, and forget my address, name, etc. Why because we're just waisting eachothers time like this. It hurts me. A lot, and there is only so much I can take before I end up reckless and attempting to somehow hurt you back. I would say that I would tell you how I feel even if I thought I had no chance. However, that's a lie. You will never know. I want to say you missed out on something, but you didn't. Screw you and have a good life... as far away as possible from me.

Dog Shiz?

     As a writer, I should probably write more often. I mean, writing is kind of my passion and recently, I haven't any time at all just to get it all out and I have a lot to say. Not to mention, it's a bit. So let's start off with this and work my way up a bit.
    Well, after returning from Barnes and Nobles, all I want to do is pee and then go to sleep. However, I was awaken by a god-awful smell in my bedroom. What was it? All over my room, there was dog pee, dog poo, loose/wet dog poo, dog vomit, and some other unidentified type of only lord knows what. It was just sickening and I literally wanted to cry. I put my dog outside after I realized what she really had done so I ended up having the clean all of that crap up.
     I could not sleep in my room so my dad waits until I decide to go sleep on the couch, move all my stuff in there, and start to sleep to wake me up and tell me to leave because he wants to have that room in the morning. Seriously? Then my mom takes back her word, agrees with him and I have to go back to my funky room because he wants that tv in the morning and that room to change and my mom doesn't want him to be in the room with her to wake her up. I was actually more comfortable on the couch than on my bed. Eventually they just kept bugging me until I moved. Then fussed at  me on the way back to my room. It sucked. I was highly upset.

Cornell Notes Pt.1

Thinking about that Cornell Notes thing and how I do not want to get back to school and have to do that again. Every single time I take the notes like that I fail so I do not use it. Its like teachers do we sit up here and tell you how to do your job? Well you say learning is our job so don't tell us how to do ours. I'm am going to do only what is really required and helpful I do not have a second of time for failure.