I just got back from that wack Luling Parade. They act as if it is such a big deal and its so short and stupid. I was really hoping not to see him but at the same time wishing that I would. I did, he caught me off guard. He was just pacing back and forward with anger. Then he looked up and he saw me and he stopped for a second and then I looked down after that because if I looked one more second I’d bust out giggling or smiling so much and be tempted to talk to him. I just continuously walked with my cousin, mother, and aunt after that. I soon met with one of my bffls, Miaja. We hung out for a minute in front of her grandmother’s, I think, house. It was pretty acceptable. I had a bit of fun actually. I got a teddy bear. A red one and a yellow rose. I love teddy bears and roses. I don’t know why I just do. Especially teddy bears. The bigger the bear the better or you know, it doesn’t matter. I guess its just the simplicity of a bear and bears last a long time and I guess that’s symbolic to me or something. And the rose, I guess since its all classic, old time, gone with the wind whatever and I just like it.
No comment on what happened after that but walking back I expected to see him and then I turn and he’s walking. He that cocky little smirk and it was just so fake. I had a mind to just call him out for such fake arrogance and he had the nerve to sneak peaks at me. I just kept walking. I was alone walking after that. How did I get myself into a situation like that.
Why do I end up liking these random guys. Its like no guy likes me. They just want to sit there and intimidate me or just screw with my head. Its not right its not fair. I’ve been screwed over so many times just from 2009-2010. Lets see, there was Tony, then yeah you know, then textbook, then him, and even one of my own guy friends. that’s like what? Five? Yeah, I have to get my head off this absolutely retarded theory that there is good in everyone. it’s a lie.
I think that these guys are so nice then they change. I think that everyone despite the things that they do, I think that deep down inside they are good at heart. Before I even realize how attractive this guy was I just for some odd reason thought he was so good at heart. I thought he was nice and sweet and I thought he was smart and funny and kind of awkward and I thought that was cute. I’m such an idiot.
So how did I end up in this car on my laptop stuffing my face with cotton candy and with borderline tears about to scream? I don’t know but I know that I’ve been here many times before. Not in this car but border line tears, stuffing my face, and about to scream. If you have a girlfriend, stop messaging me. If you don’t like me stop staring at me in class and talking to me. Stop fussing at me for no reason or smiling at me randomly. I know you don’t like me so just stop fighting over that stupid chair in the cafeteria that gives a coincidental clear view shot of me. Just if you don’t like me, stop having anything to do with me, I think I deserve better that to be tormented. I think that if there’s no hope, then don’t give me any hints that there could ever be even in a parallel universe. And everybody stop saying “oh, you guys are going to end up together in high school.” or something else stupid. And to you especially, stop butting in my conversations and answering for me and trying to find out what I am talking about. Let me live without this torture. I know I’m alone and that I don’t have anybody. I know that these guys here only want to play me. I know I am stupid believe the lie that there is good in everybody. I know this, I know a lot of things, I know when I am being played or lied to, I know this. So maybe I should be locked up, I’m crazy. I have hope in people and trust the nearest stranger. I secretly believe that there is hope that there is good in people. That everyone is generally good. I have nothing to base this on, nor do I have the truth for or of this nor do I have any hints, clues, proof or material that would lead you to believe this but I believe it. don’t know why I do. don’t know why I think everyone is capable of greatness. Its worthless to think so but I do. Cant help it cant stop. I just. I just do. So I am going to slowly eat my cotton candy and dance to whatever song I hear even if I look a mess. Hell, I am a mess. “I am an emotional creature“.
