A "Real" Relationship (another rant)

I have always wondered what it would be like to be in a real relationship. I don't count my first boyfriend because it was my first boyfriend. It was a very childish relationship. Even though it lasted a year and 4 months, it was filled with unnecessary problems and to be honest I wasn't ready and he had problems. I felt as if I had caused him too much silly drama. I was talking to a guy very soon after him for a long time. He asked me to be his girlfriend a couple of times but he's used to sex. If he's used to sex I shouldn't stop him but I won't give him any. I don't want to change someones lifestyle, they'll resent me. Besides I was not actually physically attracted to him. Then I got with this guy who didn't want a girlfriend really but I didn't want a boyfriend. It was just aggravating because you know he was such a punk ass little bitch. Sorry, but this not a family blog and that's the only way to describe him. It wasn't after while I told him it was over then after that he says I belong to him I'm his woman and we love eachother. Yes, he was terribly insane..I got back with the guy before that it was kind of getting serious however we never really did anything at all. I was somehow alway busy. But I'm glad. I soon found out there was another girl. I asked him that's the problem. He lied to my face because I told him I didn't care if there was someone else or someone else he liked. He lied. Said there was no one and he loved me "127%" He lied an awful lot to me. After that came my second boyfriend. Wow, I've blogged a lot of this before. God  knows how used and abused I felt. Cheated on me every second possible. And even with my "friend". I felt ugly because all the girls were infamous for not being too attractive. I felt broken for awhile, but I learned. I stopped crying after the first two. The third guy turned a bit stalkerish and I didn't like him and just needed a friend. 
I guess I don't count them because I was such a child. Although they were older they were children too. It was all lies all distrust so much cheating and not to mention both boyfriends both neglected me. Sucked but with breakups, I get so inspired and write the best songs and poetry. I think the fact that I feel so much mental pain is because it hurts the worst to me. Sure many things put me at my lows but that just makes those highs even better. 
I know that nothing lasts forever. I can see the break up long before the together so I guess I'm ready. Sure an awful lot of guys have done me some god awful things but I am actually okay.  What can I do about a douchebag? Ignore them, move on, write some songs. 
I believe that all of this has help me to grow and mature even more so. I think a real relationship is something where you don't have to hide, you have fun. You trust each other. No leaches but no neglect. Communication and etc being able to hold someone and speak your mind. Im sick of being the weirdo or being told to not be goth when I'm not goth. It's just well its a bit complex yet simple and beautiful I guess... But then again,wouldn't know. 

Screw It!

      Sometimes I wonder what's the point? What's the point of anything anymore and why am I here. I just feel like a waist of space some days. Most days actually. I just feel like a prop. Just there to fill in an empty space with another empty space. I've just longed for a meaning, something that makes life worth living. What's the point of living a long, miserable life with no meaning. Honestly, I've thought of death for an immensely long time. I just don't understand it. Why am I not happy? Why am I not thriving through my teen years like the other kids? Why don't I appear to be having the time of my life like the rest of them? They say Its good to be different and for what? If i am not fading into the background, it's like they are trying to burn me in front of city hall! Whatever, I don't care anymore, screw them, screw this town, screw anyone who don't like me or what I stand for, screw everybody! I'm done...

My Dad's Mom/Pushing Me Away

The beginning of last month, my grandmother moved in with us. I don't know her very well and she was never there for me. My father expects for me to act with her as I do with my other grandparents but it took awhile to get there.

Recently, everything I do is wrong to them. My grandmother does not approve of my music, my conversations, or interests. I feel as if all I do is wrong in her eyes and it is rubbing off on my parents also.  I did not know that my mother had such a problem with me. I have not changed at all. Apparently, I'm being "bad" and "disrespectful". Apparently saying "Excuse me," and not "Excuse me grandma," is wrong. Apparently not talking to her about things she cares about is wrong. My grandmother can say anything she likes to me, do anything she wants and I still get the blame. I'm the wrong one. 

Everything she does is okay because "Her mind is bad," Okay, so is mind too. I have a hell of a lot of problems that no one seems to give a fuck about. I just do not see how it's fair that we all have to change our lives and drop everything to help her and no one gives a shit about me. The things that I do, I'm "faking" right? Everything that I have ever done, they act like it never happened.

My dad is pissed because I did not have anything to say about my grandmother. To be honest, I do not think much of her. She is a person who has to have things her way, must control things, stay stuck on one thing, and throw bible quotes at me. However, she is still my grandmother and I love her. Then, on the other-hand, love has never really meant that much to me in the first place. But I care for her, that's important and I still try to be "respectful" and include her in the conversations, I guess it'll never be good enough and I am just sick of attempting to please my family. They don't know that they are only pushing me away.

Friends Wasting Friend's Time

     Recently, my friend was trying to hook me up with random guys. Apparently, everyone thinks that I need a boyfriend these days. There was one guy she had specifically in mind, he's her boyfriend's friend, and she really had her mind set on us two being together. So, I viewed his Facebook profile, (yes, I judge people by there Facebook profile. Certain things say a lot about maturity and personality, I'll talk about this later).
    Anyways, I did not find him attractive, we seemed to have nothing in common. He's not ugly, that is not what I meant by not finding him attractive. It's just I look in his eyes and I see hate, I see so much trouble with him. Not the hot kind of troubled or emo guy. He just wasn't my type anyway.
    Now that it's exams week, its a shorter school day and everyone has the same lunch period, he was there and they were grabbing the guy and making him come by me and I'm being pushed towards him. In-fact, were both being pushed and people were yelling and it just sucked, I was embarrassed and it looked as if it pained him to see me.
     I believe that if he REALLY wanted to talk to me are "be" with me, then he would have BEEN said something to me. I mean he knew of my existence. He knew what they were planning. He's seen me multiple times. He really doesn't like me. I can tell! I am not done. Do not force someone to be with me, I wouldn't even force someone to be with me. Besides, it's wrong. It's not fair.
     Maybe I should get a bit further into why he is not "the guy" for me. Well, first of all, he doesn't walk through the hallways. He lurks. Lurking as in trying not to be seen, like he is dead set on finding something, following something, tracking it down. He has a hunter's spirit.
     He doesn't look depressed, and especially not happy. He looks mad all the time, filled with hate. I don't want to be with someone who looks like they hate me and everything. We have nothing in common it seems and my friend actually had to mention "He does not judge," Which was only said because I am just too different for him. I dont know. I was just, I felt nothing for him, I don't trust him, and he obviously does not like me so neither of us should waist our time.

Do It Again Sometime/Back in Action

     Well, it has been awhile. I have neglected my blog and for what? I honestly cannot think of a reason, or at least one that makes sense. All of my recent post have come from formspring from a guy who I do not know who does not know English.
     Something every writer should remember is that you write. No matter what, I have to write. I have to get it out. I can't just stop because I don't actually have followers. Hell, I just gained one. The other two are my sister (who doesn't use her blog and hasn't for years) and a girl who was my friend but we don't actually talk anymore. So I am counting this as my first follower. If I get more, and if I don't, well that's life. Who cares? As long as I write something and have the balls to post even if I know that someone may never ever read it, I posted. I said something and contributed to the world. Being a writer or a blogger should not be about the amount of followers. Do not judge me by the amount of my followers but by the content of my blog. (I guess, that sounded a lot deeper in my head).
     To be honest, that felt really great to just type something out... and I think that I am going to do it again sometime.